Neil Merton

What’s a Doos?

Your homework for today is to find out what the translation for the name that Ernie Els called his golf ball shortly after hitting it:

Original link from ChumpStyle.

Just how powerful is the new PlayStation 3?

Well, according to Steve - very! Read the following from his eBay page selling a PlayStation 3:

You are bidding on a Playstation 3 60 GB system. It comes with Talladega Nights staring John C. Reily. It’ll ship as soon as the auction ends and WILL be there in time for Christmas.

For the parents who may be bidding on this system, you might be wondering why your child wants this so much. “Why spend so much? It’s just a simple video game system, right?” Wrong. Here’s just a few facts about the power of the Playstation 3:

1. Imagine gluing a Playstation 1 to a Playstation 2. Now double that amount of power. Now subtract the power of a Super Nintendo and you have a rough estimate of how powerful this thing is.

2. Playstation 3 is heavier than both an Xbox 360 and a Ninendo Wii. That is because it has more computer chips inside, which of course means it’s more powerful.

3. Due do polymicroprocessors, Playstation 3 is the first system powerful enough to deliver 4-D graphics.

4. Sony successfully lobbied for an amendment to the constitution that allowed this much power, which the founding fathers feared would strengthen witches’ magic.

5. Playstation 3 is so powerful that Sony officially announced it is more powerful than what Playstation 4 will be.

6. NASA replaced Kenedy Space Center with two Playstation 3s. It’s not that a single Playstation 3 couldn’t handle the job, it’s just that they also wanted to watch Talladega Nights while working.

7. Playstation 3 has the processing power to make it appear as if animals or babies were talking. Until now, this awesome technology has only been available to movies, tv commercials and the super rich.

8. AWESOME GRAPHICS!

9. Beating a hooker in Grand Theft Auto on a Playstation 3 looks more realistic than beating a hooker in real life.

10. This is the first piece of equipment that Tim Allen officially declared “enough power.”

OPTIONAL EXTRAS

1. For an extra $50, I will personally kiss your Playstation 3 for good luck right before shipping it to ensure an extra safe trip.
2. For an extra $200, I will play your Playstation 3 before shipping it to make sure it works.
3. At no additional cost, I will kick your Playstation 3.

Thank you for looking at my listing. I know you have what it takes to win this amazing machine. And remember, money is no object when it comes to bidding on eBay. Are you going to let some little bitch on the other side of the country outbid you and ruin your child’s Christmas? That doesn’t sound like the winner I know. You drive a Mercedes for Christ’s sake! You don’t have to take this sh*t! The winner I know would stop at nothing to win this auction so come Christmas morning, he could watch the excitement and suprise in his child’s eyes before hearing “I already HAVE a Playstation 3. I wanted a dirt bike! I HATE YOU!” It’s been a great doing business with you.

Love,
Steve

I hope that put a smile on your face.

Making Me Smile

Last night I ordered a CD from a website in the States and this morning I received the following confirmation email:

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved ‘Bon Voyage!’ to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, Tuesday, December 19th.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as ‘Customer of the Year’. We’re all exhausted but can’t wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Will I be using CDBaby.com again? Hell yes!

Little Nicky

I just stumbled across this joke on the Wittyfish website and thought I’d share it:

Little Nick’s been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his grandmother, “Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Nick just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds and Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you!”

I hope that brighten up your day a little.

Grand Theft Cola

Just found this tv commercial commissioned by Cokeâ„¢ done in the style of Grand Theft Auto. Find out more about the ad here. Superb!

Noah In 2006

This was emailed to me the other day and I thought I’d share it with everyone:

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing, along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission prior to building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high. I had to appeal to the Secretary of State  for a decision.

The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn’t fully accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up  in order to  protect  the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will - arguing the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the  County Council, the Environment Agency  and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the  Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I’m supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government already beat me to it.”

Ensuring An Intelligent Government

Here’s a little joke that was just emailed to me:

President Mbeki meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”

“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

President Mbeki frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.”

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”

Tony Blair walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”

The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.

Back in Cape town, President Mbeki asks to speak with vice president Zuma.

“Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” says the vice president. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

Zuma goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into Evita Bezuidenhout. Zuma looks around to see if anyone can overhear then whispers, “Evita! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother! or your sister. Who is it?”

Evita whispers back, “That’s easy. It’s me!”

Zuma smiles and says “Thanks!”

Zuma goes back to Parliament to speak with President Mbeki. “Sir, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Evita Bezuidenhout.”

Mbeki gets up, stomps over to Zuma, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!

I hope that put a smile on your face.